she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i drank out of a bidet.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
