I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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