your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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