I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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