I just saw a hot homeless man
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
