Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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