Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Randomize