i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
