theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
