He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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