just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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