Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
