I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Did you pee in the oven last night??
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
