Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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