We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize