Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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