My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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