There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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