the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
