the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
