So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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