well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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