i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We named our party play list daddy issues
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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