Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
