Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize