Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
