so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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