he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
