he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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