No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
