is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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