I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
