you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
