After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
