i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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