apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
