Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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