A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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