Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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