I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
