So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
