$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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