We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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