I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We just shotgunned beers for America
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
