don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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