I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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