You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
