also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
