Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
