tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
