so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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