She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she peed on how many people?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
