The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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