I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
