I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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