who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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