Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
